"When you know better, you do better..." -Oprah Winfrey quoting someone else

Well, its been a challenging week.  I wish I could say that it was challenging because I ran a marathon like all the other cool people in Ogden.  For me, I am running my own race right now, and it has nothing to do with sports.  

I sold my car.  My sweet little Toyota Corolla, and I gotta say, I was a little emotional.  It was my first big-girl purchase, and so for me to give that up, for some reason, was difficult.  I think, more than that though, the reason its difficult is that not only is my life broken for myself to see, but for all the world to see as well.  I sold my car to pay off the loan, so I can free up the $244.00 to pay off stupid, consumer debt that I have accrued. Its not a ton of debt, but it's enough that I feel trapped in my own life for a while.

The cool part of the story, is that when I was pleading with God last Tuesday, for a plan that will help me accomplish my goal in my time-frame, the answer came directly, and quickly for once.. "Casey, sell your car."  So when I put it up on KSL on Saturday evening, Sunday get the call, Monday the buyer came and took it, I should have been happy and relieved, etc, etc. Instead I felt broken, and naked.  Beyond naked, actually. Stripped down to the bare bones of me. There is no longer a beautiful, red, reliable, vehicle to hide behind.  My last asset, gone. (Other than my bedroom set.  Is that an asset?? )   Now, its just me and God.  Well, me and God, and the Ulrich's who let me borrow one of their cars for a couple weeks until I find a clunker that will get me through the next couple of years.

The good part is, I can feel my heart changing. I see things differently now.  They really are JUST things.   And that bare bones of my identity?  It's here for the building.. and this time it's being built on something more sturdy than a Corolla. I can visualize my vision for my life slowly unfolding. I can SEE a plan for my future, and the plan I see is good.  I can feel my Heavenly Father being pleased with my choices to follow Him more closely. I can hear Him saying, "Yes!  See? I told you, I am here. You finally decided to depend on me, now watch your life become what I have promised you it would be!"

I often go walking in meadows of clovers...

Another Mother's Day, come and gone.. and this makes seven said I said goodbye to you.  Something happened this year though Mom. Laura asked me to be on church duty for her kids since she was going to be gone in St. George, and as they were up singing their usual Mother's Day medley tribute, the pang I felt, that I usually do feel... well it wasn't for you.  I found myself feeling the loss of NOT being a mother myself.  Not that I didn't think of you, because I did, and I do.. every day I still do.  But, my heart feels ready for this massive responsibility.
The other day we had a horrendous child abuse case at work, and I lost it for that patient mom.  It's not fair that there are people out there in this world that will hurt God's precious little ones, and yet others, who are good, and loving people don't have the opportunity to raise children of their own.  Oh, well. Add that to the long list of "life's not fair because..."  right?  I remember when I would say "That's not fair!" You would say, "Life's not fair Casey!"  It's not.  It's not fair that I had to say good bye to you too early.  It's not fair that Annie has delays, or that African children never get the proper nutrition or education.  Its not fair that people get murdered or raped, or that people's homes get destroyed by horrible weather conditions. Its not fair that some people don't have to watch their weight, or that some people are blind, or deaf.   Its not fair that the 90 percent of the worlds wealth is in 10 percent of the population's hands.
But you know what is fair Mom?  That God gave us this beautiful world to live in.. with all its massiveness. There is so much to appreciate on this earth... From Moab UT, to Victoria Falls Africa... and every little flower and mountain, and tree in between.  Today it rained all day, and although my soul aches for sunshine and warmth after all these months, I know it will make this place more green and beautiful so I find myself being more patient about it today.  
You know what else is fair?  That all of us will have a day of reckoning with our Savior Jesus Christ. One who loves us perfectly, and can understand all the "its not fairs" with a true understanding, and Who will make it right by us, if we just do our best.   Today in Sacrament Meeting we sang the song "Carry On" and while I thought at first,  "hmm.. this is a strange song to sing on Mother's Day" at the same time, I felt encouraged..  I felt like that's what God would be saying to me right now.
Casey, carry on.  And so I will.
I love you.  I love you every minute of every day.  And I thank you, for being an incredible Mother.  And if its possible, please watch over of my future little ones, until its time for them to be mine.

Disappointment

Just got back from Vegas for the weekend.  It was beautiful weather, and I didn't get a sunburn, which for me, is a huge accomplishment.  I find it so fascinating how when you pull up to the city, and the lights are blaring, and the buildings all look so glamorous, and shiny. It is truly mesmerizing, until you actually arrive.  After that, give me about 25 minutes on the strip, and I'm done.  As I walk into each blingin' hotel, and am transfixed by the bright beautiful lights, the bumpin' music, and ringing of the slots, the intricate detail with-which they decorate everything.. and yet, it takes me about ten minutes to become bored, and ready for the next shiny visual.  There is really not much other than gambling, drinking, shows, and shopping, so if you're not planning on any of those, then save the sun, Las-Vegas Blvd. quickly loses its appeal.   So... we pulled up to our little time-share, which had a perfect little kitchen, and comfortable beds, as well as a fantastic pool, and enjoyed our stay off the strip.  I made a couple of new friends who joined us in a game of Phase 10. These old men were from LA and they had never heard of it.  "It must be a Utah game,"  they reported huffily. But they were good sports about losing (wink wink.)  I've decided ultimately what makes a vacation fun is the company you bring along.. Shout out to all my girls who joined me in sun shiny, sin city this weekend!  We missed a snow storm here, and for that, it was all worth it.
 

If one more person asks me "why aren't you married" I swear I'll....

One of my besties, Anna, wrote on her facebook status the other day: "What is the definition of success?"  I thought about it for a bit, and ultimately chose not to write anything, because the question required more pondering than my ten minutes on facebook allotted me.
Tomorrow is Easter. I had a game night with some friends (and one stranger) tonight, and the stranger told me I can't guarantee that I wont change my mind about the church some day.  While I only said "it's highly unlikely,"  what I wanted to say was this:
I've had enough experiences to know for a surety that it's real.  I KNOW that Christ really did suffer for my sins, die on the cross, and was resurrected three days later, and that the minute all that happened, it changed EVERYTHING FOREVER. I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is HIS restored church upon the earth.  I know that Families are meant to be together forever, and that there is power in God's love for us, and our willingness to follow Him. That power in God's love envelopes the entirety of God's children on the earth... which means that need for Christ and His atonement puts all on an equal level with one another, no matter what we believe, do, say, etc.  Because I know this, I can forgive others for their mistakes, just as I wish for God to forgive me of mine.
Knowing all of these, and putting it into practice are the two sides of the perfect coin, and I am most at peace in my life when these two sides jive together.  I naively made a deal with the Lord more than ten years ago (and boy oh boy has he stayed true to it) that He could put me through whatever He needed to, and I will stay true, if only I can accomplish my full potential in the end.  I have so far to go, that sometimes it seems a daunting and impossible task, but Anners, I guess my answer to your question is this: success is accomplishing your full potential in whatever the attempt.
Dear God,  please help me be successful in my existence as intelligence.

Caution: Plate is hot!

Can I just get a little pet peeve off my chest?
I mean, I love facebook as much as the rest of em.. probably even more cause I'm super nosy, but I hate it when people write stuff on their status like "its cancer awareness month, so post your profile picture with a friend who has had cancer, or post it with red in the picture." or something of the sort. Someone please help me understand how doing this will in ANY WAY help find the cure for cancer.
Anyway, okay.. off my soap box.  Today was fantastic... first off I had the day off which means sleeping in for me!  It was a bummer that its spring break, and its snowing outside the past two days, but I literally curled up and read a book all afternoon. (wink wink Blake didn't we have this conversation already?)  Anyway, took the nieces and nephew to the sure to be classic (NOT) "Hop," Then went and got my trash kicked at the game Rook.  Oh well, can't win em all.  I'm grateful for days like this, where life slows down enough to enjoy the ride.  :)

Once upon a time they lived happily ever after

I went to the library today! Thats right, I said it, the library!  Old school, I know, but I'm 29 what can I say? It has been so long since I went there, that when I went to check out my books, my card wasn't even in the system anymore.  The last time something like that happened was when my mom waited six years to take us to the dentist only to find they no longer had our chart!  :(  Thats what happens when you neglect.. you disappear.  Anyway, I'm taking on a new mantra this year that I don't need to buy everything I want when I want it.  Instead, I'd like to get as much as I can possibly get for free. Yippee!!   (This includes a week-long membership to a Zumba gym, and a month-long membership to Gold's Gym all for FREE!)
Anyway, shout out to Carlos, my helper today who was so patient as he looked up the LONG list of I have just got to get my hands on this book books.  Did you know that not only can you be put on a waiting list if it's not available, but if your library doesn't have it, one of their sister libraries does, and they will ship it to your library, and even CALL you when its available to come pick up.  This is all for free!  What are we doing buying books people when we can get them without paying a dime?!
Anyway, I get it that to you I am just ranting on about library books but my mom used to read incessantly, and the longer I live without her, the more I love when I see her in myself.  She would be giddy listening to her daughter be excited about words on paper.

this is a test

After spending about an hour typing what I felt was a deep pity party for myself, it didnt end up posting. boo.