all the single ladies... put your hands up!

Where love is, there God is also

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Santa! I know him!

Well, it's Christmas Eve and for the first time in over nine years, our entire family is together. And I, I am loving every minute of it. There are no holes in my heart today, no loneliness. Today, all is right with my world. I was driving to my house earlier to grab salad spinner for my sister who was making her first pomegranate salad for tonight's big dinner, and as i came down the street, I had the most perfect view of the sunset. You could see all the bright warm colors draped across the western sky, and it made my heart skip a beat. In that moment, I just felt Gods love for me. it was as if he said, this ones for you Casey! Or maybe it was Mom.. Which is even more perfect.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Absence maketh the heart grow fonder??

The other morning, I was driving to Salt Lake City for work (which is a story in and of itself that I won't get into right now,) and it was raining.  It was the first rain of the Fall season, and it was the cold kind, where it creates a fog that covers the mountains.  A darkness blanketed the entire valley, and as I looked into the west that darkness ran as far as I could see.   It felt like the sun would never shine again.  The day matched my mood, or did my mood match the day? I couldn't tell, but I could barely see the car in front of me which is just exactly how I've been feeling lately. I can only see what's right in front of me.. and everything else around is just cold, and wet, and foggy.    And although logically, I know that eventually the sun will come out again, I find it difficult to imagine.  It's hard to see my life ever being different than now, even though I know that I was born to become a Mother, and that my spirit has so much to learn and become. In a couple of short months, my difficult situation at worwill be over, but how do I lift the fog of my own life? If it were only as simple as waiting it out a couple of months. 

The good news is: at the end of the day, as I was driving home, even though it was still relativley dreary, and the rain hadn't ceased, the clouds had parted out west, and there were some rays peeking in and ever so slightly lighting up the valley in a most extraordinary way. 
And I felt hope. 
And I remembered that everything is a type and a shadow of Christ.  No matter what we experience, we always have Him to depend on for peace, and happiness, and because of His perfect life, and His Atonement, some how.. some way... I'm going to be okay. 

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Ames... Will you accept this Rose?

I know.. Ames got kicked off the Bachelorette last week, not this week... but I'm still not over him, okay? Just give me a little more time!  sheesh!  :)
Two weekends ago, I went to Jackson Hole on a big singles trip, and most of the people on this little vacay were in their late-twenties or early-thirties.  Let me just say this: We spent a significant amount of time being cynical at our current lot in life.  We reviewed the long list of cliche's that we all fall under, and the list of "I'm tired of..."  At the end of the day, I didn't learn anything new about why any of us are really single.  I keep thinking to myself, am I making this harder than it should be?
So then Monday rolls around, and I just cant wait to turn on my guilty pleasure: "The Bachelorette" of course, and I think to myself.  How is it, that I have decided to stop living my own life, and watch someone else live theirs?  How is that going to EVER bring me satisfaction or happiness? The short answer is, it wont, which has confirmed the decision I made several weeks ago to pay the piper, and get this weight gone.  It's holding me back.  
For a long time, I've used the excuse that fat people get married too, but I know that in my heart of hearts, I don't want a fat life, I want a healthy life, with a healthy person!  Duh Casey!  You can't expect a healthy person to just come right up and be like, "oh, I don't value health at all, will you marry me?"I think I've also figured out why I let it linger for the length of my twenties:  I'm a little afriad (and by a little, I mean a lot) that if I lose the weight, and still no one can love me than it means the problem is actually on the inside... which is SO much harder to fix! What if I do all this, and I'm still not loveable??  It's risky business I tell you, but I think I'm ready to find out.  By Golly, what's happening to me?  I told you, I am broken down to the bare bones of me, and therefore humble for the molding, I guess.  
So I've been into my groove now for just over a week, and so far I'm four pounds down!  Go me!  :)

Sunday, June 12, 2011

playing outside of the sand-box

So I've started this blog post six times thus-far and I just cant figure out how to begin this entry.  I kinda have a lot to say, but no format so it's probably going to look like a scene from the movie "Jumper."  Who care's? I need to get over myself, no one reads these rants anyway.
First of all, I went to my ward super-activity,  in St. George.. which consisted of hiking, hiking, a little bit of swimming, and more hiking.  We got there and they wouldn't even let us light a camp-fire, so that means I had to cook my s'mores (which is really the only thing I like about nature anyway) over the stove.  I wasn't necessarily looking forward to it, but I've had great experiences with ward camp-outs in the past, so I went.  Of course, it turned out wonderful, and the next week's testimony meeting was more of a "I know the super-activity is true" than anything else, which was pretty hilarious.. and probably really boring for all of those who didn't attend.  
Anyway, really truly though, my feelings have changed completely since going. Suddenly, the idea of going to a "ward prayer" or an "FHE" doesn't repulse me. I had honestly thought I was done with being involved. Who wants to hang out with a 29 year old when there are like seventy cute, peppy, gung-ho 19 year olds to choose from? I know, but it's really what I thought.  You just get to a point, where you feel passed-by.  What I'm realizing instead, is that all this time, I have really been the one passing by all of the experiences I could have been having.  Because I was afraid to take a risk, or to step outside of my comfort zone. This must be why the prophet says to get married pretty young... because we are still a little flexible, and the older we get, the more we get in our own way, and its difficult to step out of it.
Today at church, we had an area authority visit: Elder Summerhays.  When I left the meeting, I had the same kind of feeling I get when I eat a really good gooey chocolatey brownie, with a scoop of ice-cream and fudge on top.  I just felt... satiated.   He just had the Spirit with him, and when he testified about how God is perfect in His promises to us, and that he will bless us with "every single promise in our patriarchael blessing, and every righteous desire written on our heart" in his perfect time, and way. I just felt that witness that it was true, and I felt I was on the path.  I haven't felt that for a long time, which is odd considering I've never been "inactive" or even calling-less. Then tonight, I went to ward prayer, and (of course) had such a great time. I can feel us becoming united, and it is a good thing to feel you have people in your corner.
We are going on a huge date-night activity called "The Amazing Race"tomorrow.  In times past, I just want to run in the opposite direction as a "pre-set date night," but  for the first time in... ever... I'm just looking forward to getting to know someone new, and I feel relaxed. Not nervous, not feeling pressure, just feeling joy in being myself, and trusting God that it's enough.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

"When you know better, you do better..." -Oprah Winfrey quoting someone else

Well, its been a challenging week.  I wish I could say that it was challenging because I ran a marathon like all the other cool people in Ogden.  For me, I am running my own race right now, and it has nothing to do with sports.  

I sold my car.  My sweet little Toyota Corolla, and I gotta say, I was a little emotional.  It was my first big-girl purchase, and so for me to give that up, for some reason, was difficult.  I think, more than that though, the reason its difficult is that not only is my life broken for myself to see, but for all the world to see as well.  I sold my car to pay off the loan, so I can free up the $244.00 to pay off stupid, consumer debt that I have accrued. Its not a ton of debt, but it's enough that I feel trapped in my own life for a while.

The cool part of the story, is that when I was pleading with God last Tuesday, for a plan that will help me accomplish my goal in my time-frame, the answer came directly, and quickly for once.. "Casey, sell your car."  So when I put it up on KSL on Saturday evening, Sunday get the call, Monday the buyer came and took it, I should have been happy and relieved, etc, etc. Instead I felt broken, and naked.  Beyond naked, actually. Stripped down to the bare bones of me. There is no longer a beautiful, red, reliable, vehicle to hide behind.  My last asset, gone. (Other than my bedroom set.  Is that an asset?? )   Now, its just me and God.  Well, me and God, and the Ulrich's who let me borrow one of their cars for a couple weeks until I find a clunker that will get me through the next couple of years.

The good part is, I can feel my heart changing. I see things differently now.  They really are JUST things.   And that bare bones of my identity?  It's here for the building.. and this time it's being built on something more sturdy than a Corolla. I can visualize my vision for my life slowly unfolding. I can SEE a plan for my future, and the plan I see is good.  I can feel my Heavenly Father being pleased with my choices to follow Him more closely. I can hear Him saying, "Yes!  See? I told you, I am here. You finally decided to depend on me, now watch your life become what I have promised you it would be!"

Monday, May 9, 2011

I often go walking in meadows of clovers...

Another Mother's Day, come and gone.. and this makes seven said I said goodbye to you.  Something happened this year though Mom. Laura asked me to be on church duty for her kids since she was going to be gone in St. George, and as they were up singing their usual Mother's Day medley tribute, the pang I felt, that I usually do feel... well it wasn't for you.  I found myself feeling the loss of NOT being a mother myself.  Not that I didn't think of you, because I did, and I do.. every day I still do.  But, my heart feels ready for this massive responsibility.
The other day we had a horrendous child abuse case at work, and I lost it for that patient mom.  It's not fair that there are people out there in this world that will hurt God's precious little ones, and yet others, who are good, and loving people don't have the opportunity to raise children of their own.  Oh, well. Add that to the long list of "life's not fair because..."  right?  I remember when I would say "That's not fair!" You would say, "Life's not fair Casey!"  It's not.  It's not fair that I had to say good bye to you too early.  It's not fair that Annie has delays, or that African children never get the proper nutrition or education.  Its not fair that people get murdered or raped, or that people's homes get destroyed by horrible weather conditions. Its not fair that some people don't have to watch their weight, or that some people are blind, or deaf.   Its not fair that the 90 percent of the worlds wealth is in 10 percent of the population's hands.
But you know what is fair Mom?  That God gave us this beautiful world to live in.. with all its massiveness. There is so much to appreciate on this earth... From Moab UT, to Victoria Falls Africa... and every little flower and mountain, and tree in between.  Today it rained all day, and although my soul aches for sunshine and warmth after all these months, I know it will make this place more green and beautiful so I find myself being more patient about it today.  
You know what else is fair?  That all of us will have a day of reckoning with our Savior Jesus Christ. One who loves us perfectly, and can understand all the "its not fairs" with a true understanding, and Who will make it right by us, if we just do our best.   Today in Sacrament Meeting we sang the song "Carry On" and while I thought at first,  "hmm.. this is a strange song to sing on Mother's Day" at the same time, I felt encouraged..  I felt like that's what God would be saying to me right now.
Casey, carry on.  And so I will.
I love you.  I love you every minute of every day.  And I thank you, for being an incredible Mother.  And if its possible, please watch over of my future little ones, until its time for them to be mine.

Monday, May 2, 2011


Just got back from Vegas for the weekend.  It was beautiful weather, and I didn't get a sunburn, which for me, is a huge accomplishment.  I find it so fascinating how when you pull up to the city, and the lights are blaring, and the buildings all look so glamorous, and shiny. It is truly mesmerizing, until you actually arrive.  After that, give me about 25 minutes on the strip, and I'm done.  As I walk into each blingin' hotel, and am transfixed by the bright beautiful lights, the bumpin' music, and ringing of the slots, the intricate detail with-which they decorate everything.. and yet, it takes me about ten minutes to become bored, and ready for the next shiny visual.  There is really not much other than gambling, drinking, shows, and shopping, so if you're not planning on any of those, then save the sun, Las-Vegas Blvd. quickly loses its appeal.   So... we pulled up to our little time-share, which had a perfect little kitchen, and comfortable beds, as well as a fantastic pool, and enjoyed our stay off the strip.  I made a couple of new friends who joined us in a game of Phase 10. These old men were from LA and they had never heard of it.  "It must be a Utah game,"  they reported huffily. But they were good sports about losing (wink wink.)  I've decided ultimately what makes a vacation fun is the company you bring along.. Shout out to all my girls who joined me in sun shiny, sin city this weekend!  We missed a snow storm here, and for that, it was all worth it.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

If one more person asks me "why aren't you married" I swear I'll....

One of my besties, Anna, wrote on her facebook status the other day: "What is the definition of success?"  I thought about it for a bit, and ultimately chose not to write anything, because the question required more pondering than my ten minutes on facebook allotted me.
Tomorrow is Easter. I had a game night with some friends (and one stranger) tonight, and the stranger told me I can't guarantee that I wont change my mind about the church some day.  While I only said "it's highly unlikely,"  what I wanted to say was this:
I've had enough experiences to know for a surety that it's real.  I KNOW that Christ really did suffer for my sins, die on the cross, and was resurrected three days later, and that the minute all that happened, it changed EVERYTHING FOREVER. I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is HIS restored church upon the earth.  I know that Families are meant to be together forever, and that there is power in God's love for us, and our willingness to follow Him. That power in God's love envelopes the entirety of God's children on the earth... which means that need for Christ and His atonement puts all on an equal level with one another, no matter what we believe, do, say, etc.  Because I know this, I can forgive others for their mistakes, just as I wish for God to forgive me of mine.
Knowing all of these, and putting it into practice are the two sides of the perfect coin, and I am most at peace in my life when these two sides jive together.  I naively made a deal with the Lord more than ten years ago (and boy oh boy has he stayed true to it) that He could put me through whatever He needed to, and I will stay true, if only I can accomplish my full potential in the end.  I have so far to go, that sometimes it seems a daunting and impossible task, but Anners, I guess my answer to your question is this: success is accomplishing your full potential in whatever the attempt.
Dear God,  please help me be successful in my existence as intelligence.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Caution: Plate is hot!

Can I just get a little pet peeve off my chest?
I mean, I love facebook as much as the rest of em.. probably even more cause I'm super nosy, but I hate it when people write stuff on their status like "its cancer awareness month, so post your profile picture with a friend who has had cancer, or post it with red in the picture." or something of the sort. Someone please help me understand how doing this will in ANY WAY help find the cure for cancer.
Anyway, okay.. off my soap box.  Today was fantastic... first off I had the day off which means sleeping in for me!  It was a bummer that its spring break, and its snowing outside the past two days, but I literally curled up and read a book all afternoon. (wink wink Blake didn't we have this conversation already?)  Anyway, took the nieces and nephew to the sure to be classic (NOT) "Hop," Then went and got my trash kicked at the game Rook.  Oh well, can't win em all.  I'm grateful for days like this, where life slows down enough to enjoy the ride.  :)

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Once upon a time they lived happily ever after

I went to the library today! Thats right, I said it, the library!  Old school, I know, but I'm 29 what can I say? It has been so long since I went there, that when I went to check out my books, my card wasn't even in the system anymore.  The last time something like that happened was when my mom waited six years to take us to the dentist only to find they no longer had our chart!  :(  Thats what happens when you neglect.. you disappear.  Anyway, I'm taking on a new mantra this year that I don't need to buy everything I want when I want it.  Instead, I'd like to get as much as I can possibly get for free. Yippee!!   (This includes a week-long membership to a Zumba gym, and a month-long membership to Gold's Gym all for FREE!)
Anyway, shout out to Carlos, my helper today who was so patient as he looked up the LONG list of I have just got to get my hands on this book books.  Did you know that not only can you be put on a waiting list if it's not available, but if your library doesn't have it, one of their sister libraries does, and they will ship it to your library, and even CALL you when its available to come pick up.  This is all for free!  What are we doing buying books people when we can get them without paying a dime?!
Anyway, I get it that to you I am just ranting on about library books but my mom used to read incessantly, and the longer I live without her, the more I love when I see her in myself.  She would be giddy listening to her daughter be excited about words on paper.

this is a test

After spending about an hour typing what I felt was a deep pity party for myself, it didnt end up posting. boo.